One Year Today

One year ago today I began my journey to Ongole India to serve at Sarah’s Covenant Homes. I was immediately thrown into experiences that stretched me in the most uncomfortable ways, but inevitably grew me in beautiful ways.

One year ago today I was an entirely different person; insecure in my worth in the Lord, struggling with what it meant to be in a Godly relationship, and trying desperately to believe that God knew what he was doing.

One year ago today, marked the beginning of a summer that taught me what it means to serve, that showed me the beauty of God’s grace, and gave me victory over so many lies and insecurities I believed about myself.

Today I sometimes still find myself struggling with insecurities about my worth in the Lord, but I know that I am redeemed by my father who loves me through my flaws and insecurities. I have been so incredibly blessed in the past year to meet and marry a man that loves the Lord first, and loves me second. I am learning more and more every day to trust that God is good, and he knows what he’s doing. I am trying to listen. I am trying to follow.

Today I still miss India every day. Every single day. My heart suddenly grows heavy when I think of that wonderful country, and every part of me aches to be back there, to once again be a part of the ministry pouring so much into the lives of the beautiful children in their care.

Today I am trusting that, while it may not be India, I am exactly where I need to be for this season. I am serving with a ministry in the Tenderloin neighborhood of San Francisco, a ministry that exists to intervene on behalf of the people of the inner city. I am learning that the mission field doesn’t have to be an eleven-hour time difference away. I am seeing the brokenness that exists in our own backyard, and how the people in a city here, in America, need to hear the truth about a God that loves and pours out Grace, just as much as a the people in a city in India, or Africa, or China.

Today I am learning to love the faces and stories of the people of the Tenderloin; the lonely, the broken, the lost. I am trying to love them like I loved the sweet children in India- past their tempers, and their disobedience and their stubbornness to listen, in hopes of building relationships that point them toward Grace.

Today I am realizing how much God has done in a year.

 

Joe and I will be spending the summer serving here with San Francisco City Impact.

Read more about their ministries here.

Read more about Sarah’s Covenant Homes here.

Find out how to sponsor one of their sweet children here.

I Like T-Shirts and Orphans.

I like T-shirts.

and I like Jason*. A whole lot.

Read about how he captured my heart here.

Jason is severely hearing impaired. SCH is currently working toward getting him a set of four channel hearing aids.

The $500 price tag is not a small amount, but by no means unreachable.

Do you know about the wonderful organization Project Charity? 

They are a family run company that sells a different (and always cool) T-Shirt series each week, with a percentage of the profits going to different charities around the world.

In 2012 the owners adopted their son Paul from an orphanage in Easter Europe. That experience opened their eyes. Seeing children neglected in cribs and nearly starving made them feel powerless. But discovering people and organizations that work tirelessly for those children gave them hope.
They wanted to help, and Project Charity was their response.

This week's cause is to outfit my darling Jason with those hearing aids he so desperately needs.

Jason is a wonderful kid. and who doesn't love sweet T-Shirts?

This fundraiser ENDS MONDAY.

So buy a T-Shirt today, and help raise money toward that purchase.

Because I love Jason with my whole heart.

I mean, who wouldn't?... Just look at that smile. 

Interested in sponsoring this beautiful, hilarious, loving boy monthly? Click HERE! 

BUY A T-SHIRT!

BUY A T-SHIRT!

BUY A T-SHIRT!

BUY A T-SHIRT!

BUY A T-SHIRT!

Rainy Days.

I have a tiny hole in the sole of my left boot.

Every day this week I have come home with damp socks. 

It has been a rainy week. 

Rainy days are funny things. 

Rainy days make me want to curl up in a sweatshirt, and forget the world. They make me want to retreat to my sofa, under a soft quilt, with a cup of coffee in my hands. Rainy days leave me sighing, without really knowing why. 

It has been a rainy week. 

I lost someone this week. It wasn't entirely unexpected, that is, I think I've been preparing for this for a long time.... but I still didn't really see it coming. Not this week. Not this month. Not this year. 

When the sadness and the cold, and the relentless rain crept in, I wanted to run away. 

I wanted to be anywhere but here. I wanted to ignore the rain around me. 

But sometimes you need rainy weather. You need rainy weather, to remind you how comfy that sweatshirt is, and how warm that cup of coffee can feel in your hands. 

You need hard days, to remind you just how blessed you really are. 

Thank you friends for sweet messages, and acts of love. 

Thank you Hannah for knowing that chocolate mends a broken heart.

Thank you Candace for knowing coffee warms the soul.

Thank you Joe, for not letting me run away. 

Thank you to my wonderful Monday night girls for praying over me. 

Thank you Ryan, for letting me know you.

"And not only this, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that they bring about perseverance."

Romans 5:3

Breathe. You are blessed.

It has been one month since I last posted. Its not that I my life has been void of interesting activity, or that God hasn't been working in me. Believe me, he has. But every time I sit down at my laptop, I hover my fingers over the keys, and... nothing.

I should be desperately typing away. Telling you that I am crushingly overwhelmed with just how blessed I am. But the words have not been coming.

I am in such strong, intentional, loving community. I am being poured into by wonderful women from my church; strong, beautiful women of God that are guiding me on paths that they have already walked.

I am serving with a group of interns and community group leaders that are actively pursuing God. A team that prays fervently together, for each other, for our groups, our church, our campus. I am continually encouraged by the way our leadership loves each other, and how intensely I see my friends chasing after what God has in store for this community.

Jesus is showing me again, and again my worth, showing me that it is in him. I am being shown what it looks like to be in a relationship that is God centered. To be led by a man that speaks truth over my insecurities and loves the Lord far more than he loves me. 

God is opening doors, or at least cracking them a little, for some different options for the next few years. Options to serve, options to grow.

Those surface level statements don't even begin to touch on what God has been doing in my life in the past month. So why can't I  say more? Why can't I write? Why can't I figure out in my head what's really going on? 

I think the answer lies somewhere at the bottom of my heart, the middle of my throat, and the pit of my stomach. 

When I think too much about all of the ways I am blessed I clench. I clench my fists, and I clench my heart. I can feel my heart tighten, right at the bottom, and ache. Things are going well. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am comfortable. So I am also waiting for the ball to drop. I find myself holding so tightly, to all of these good things. So tightly that I don't even get to enjoy them to thier fullest potential, becasue surely so many blessings cannot come without heartache.

I also find myself looking to the future with confusion. Which causes me to clench my fists tighter still. 

Is India in my future? Is it God's plan for me to to be in India, or do I selfishly want to be back there in that beautiful country, holding my sweet kids in my arms again? Was God leading me down a path of service?

Those questions get caught in my throat. They're questions I don't fully know how to articulate. Some I don't want the answer to, because I'm scared of what it may be, and other I'd rather just figure out and answer for myself. 

I've spent so much time the past month or so figuring things out. I've done so much planning and re-planning. "Well if I do this at this point in my life, I can do this, or if I go here now, then I can do that other thing later." I've seen the opportunities that are out there and want all of them.

Which puts my stomach in knots. The only thought more exhausting than how can I do all of these things, is the thought that I might not do all of them. My wanderer's soul gets anxious just at the thought of being still too long.

God is pouring out so many beautiful things in my life right now, but the more he pours, the more I find myself slowly curling into a ball, trying not let any of them escape. I am living with my hands closed so tightly. I'm not breathing. I'm not resting. I'm not enjoying.

God, open my hands. Teach me to breathe. To rest.

I tell my friend Kyle that he gets stuck in his own head too much. That he over thinks things, and causes himself much unneeded grief. Which is exactly where I am. Stuck in my own head, trying to figure out for myself what the next steps need to be, when all I need to do is rest in the good things God is doing. I just need to open my hands and let God do what he wants.

A friend once beautifully explained to me what living with open hands really looks like. While it is easy to open our hands and say Yes Jesus, I'll take those blessing, thanks, I then usually find myself closing them again, waiting until the right time to open them once more. I open my hands to what I think God wants, but I don't keep them that way. Living life with them open means that they are always ready to receive what God wants to give, which sounds great. But it also means that they remain vulnerable, that God can take things from us at any time, which sounds terrifying.

I've said it before, I'm the kind to coast, do well in my walk with Jesus, then suddenly fall on my face. Hard. Living life with hands held open, doesn't offer us a lot of opportunity to catch ourselves when we fall. I have to make the statement that I trust that God will catch me, that his arms will be around me before I hit the ground.

I'm trying to trust that God knows what he's doing. I'm trying to take the good things that he's placed in my life lately and be thankful for them. Be thankful for them without worrying about how it will all possibly work out.

I need to breathe. I am blessed.

I need to stop and just be thankful.

Thankful for coffee and friends and scripture. For new friendships, and old ones. For community that grows me. For late nights at the church office, and early mornings at the farmers market. I'm thankful for God fulfilling promises, and for times that he keeps me in the dark and causes me to be patient.

Smiles I'm missing: Melanie

I titled my last post Smiles I'm missing: Palmer.

Because I miss his sweet little grin, his cute teeth that are just a little too big for that precious face. I miss the face that smiled up at me. I miss the wonderful little boy that smile belongs to.

But I also titled it so, because I find myself yearning for the smiles that I know I'm missing out on. For the moments of joy that I don't get to be a part of. For the laughter and the happiness. I know the wonderful kids I fell in love with are finding moments of ridiculous joy everyday, with the long term volunteers, with each other. Joy in the little things, joy from the big things, and joy when everything in the world suggests that they shouldn't be happy. That knowledge brings my heart peace, but it makes me miss them that much more. It makes me ache to be part of the moments of joy.

I don't think anyone at the home filled my days with as much laughter and as many smiles as my beautiful, beautiful Melanie.

Melanie

Sweet Melanie captured my heart quickly. She has the cutest giggle you'll ever hear. Really. And she is always laughing. Whether its at her ayah's saree being dragged across her face tickling her, or just someone saying her name with the right tone, its hilarious. No one's there to be funny? No worries, Melanie cracks herself up just fine. She finds so much joy in the world around her. 

I spent some of the sweetest moments with Melanie, and many of my favorite memories of the home came from simply sitting at the foot of her bed, and laughing with that funny girl. 

Time with Melanie also often left me facing the hard truth that I am not enough. Melanie's hypnotic laugh was easily replaced with tears when she realized it was time you to leave her. At the end of each day when I left for home Melanie cried and cried. It was in simple moments like this that I was really crippled by the meaning of these kid's label as orphans. That people rushing suddenly into her life, and leaving just as quickly is her normal.

Melanie is a beautiful, loving, hilarious little girl. She has deep shining eyes and the longest eyelashes you'll ever see. She wants nothing more than to sit next to you and laugh and be tickled and played with. I ache to see the smiles that I know fill her every day. I ache to hear that laugh. 

Melanie is partially sponsored, but still needs her sponsorship completed.

Read more about Melanie here.

Smiles I'm missing: Palmer

Every day since I've been home, I've woken up aching to be back in India. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what the beautiful little faces that I fell in love with are doing. I see updates on the SCH page or facebooks of the long term volunteers still there and my heart flips in my chest. Each day I pray for SCH, and for the children there by name. 

Being away from them, being so very far away from them is harder than I thought it would be. I desperately want to be back in India, with those kids, and I'm working on figuring out how soon I can be. In the mean time though, there is so much help that can be given from right where we are. 

The children at SCH need sponsorship. You can sponsor a child completely or partially. They need sponsorship for food, water, diapers, medicines, surgeries and schooling. Things that every child needs. Sponsorship also helps the children have new clothes, new toys and field trips. Fun things in their lives.  Things that every child deserves.

SCH isn't funded in an ongoing way by any large grand foundation, church, or company. Their funding comes almost entirely from caring individuals. You can read more about donating to SCH here.

If you go to the SCH link Meet our Children you can read about each child and see their smiling faces. Please go read about some of the amazing kids there. They each have a story, and each is beautiful.

Over the next week or two I want to tell you all about the little lives that impacted me the most while I was in India. Children that are still in need of either partial or full sponsorship. Read their stories, see their beautiful little faces, pray for them, and if you feel led, help sponsor these wonderful kids. 

Palmer

Palmer snuck into my heart. I didn't really expect to fall in love with him, but when I realized I was, it was too late. I was head over heels. At first he's kind of shy. He'll step back and let the more rambunctious boys fight for attention, but once the commotion calms down a little you realize he's already at your side, tugging on the bottom of your shirt.

Palmer's favorite place to be was on my back. On my last day at the home he kept his little arms around my neck, his feet wrapped around my waist, while I walked around and said all of my goodbyes. Man, I miss that sweet sweet smile, and his tight bear hugs.

Palmer is sweet and gentle. He loves to color and play games. He will giggle and smile and hold your hand. I find myself missing this little charmer every single day. 

Read a little more about Palmer here 

Pray for this little guy, and don't forget, he still needs sponsorship!

What my Best Friend's Engagement has taught me

A little over a week ago I was so incredibly blessed to see the engagement of two people I love dearly. I watched Dustin, one of the best, most Godly men I know get down on one knee and ask Jen, one of my very best friends in the world, to marry him. I'd be lying if I said I didn't tear up.

They have each found the right person. More importantly, they are the right people for each other.

Over the past year I've been figuring out what it means, at this point in my life and in my walk, to have a successful relationship. God has been putting couples and scriptures, and stories continuously in my path. Couples who's relationships are centered in Christ, that are beautiful because of it. Dustin and Jen have been a big part of showing me what that looks like, what it looks like for a Godly man to pursue a woman. What it looks like for a man to be strong in his faith and for a couple to grow in that together.

I recently listened to a fantastic series by Andy Stanley, The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating. One of the episodes focuses on "The Right Person Myth." When I find the right person, everything will be okay. Or if I can just find the right person, I'll be happy. Today we spend so much time focused on what that other person needs to be.

For me, he needs to be a believer. No question. He needs to be a traveler, an adventurer. I want someone that will try new things with me. Ultimately, I want someone that will love me and push me in my relationship with Christ.

But what kind of woman is that man looking for?

The point that Andy Stanley really drives home is becoming the person that the person you are looking for, is looking for. That having a successful relationship is less about finding the right person, and more about being the right person.

A friend recently told me that when he read my thoughts about being on an all girls team, he knew then that it would be good for me. He knew that having the summer to think clearly, and not be surrounded by distraction would grow me. He said that he had been listening to a podcast that said something along the lines of "you can't be the person God wants you to be, if you're with the wrong person." and that it is better to be single, and living in God's will for you, than to be chasing after the wrong relationship. I think am realizing that as a girl bombarded with today's world I am constantly seeking relationship. That right relationship. I rarely give myself the time that I was given this summer to shut the world out and hear what God is saying.

We live in a world of Happily Ever After stories, and media that tells me I need to find the one.

I am striving to live for my God that challenges me to be the one.

I truly believe that the relationships I have seen that are really working, relationships that are actively growing in God, are doing so because the people in them made sure that they were the right people for each other. In the past year or so, I have made it a point to pray for the man I will one day marry, pray for the man he is. But in the past month or so I have made it a point to pray that God will make me into the woman I hope that man is praying for.

God is constantly working on my heart, he is revealing himself to me in new ways all the time, and through that I am growing closer to him and, I hope, growing more into the woman I am called to be. Living for God, living against the way the world tells me to live, isn't easy. It's a daily decision to say, I am going to follow you, and not the world. Sometimes I fall on my face. But my God is so good, he is so good and he picks me up and brushes me off and says "Okay Emily, lets try this again."

I am so sinful, and so imperfect, and so ridiculously glad that there is grace for that. My college pastor recently said "It's okay to not be okay, but it's not okay to stay that way." I know that daily, I fall far from being the woman I am called to be. But God is revealing it to me, and showing me his glory, and the opportunities I have to grow from the sinful person I am. Growth that comes from Him, from trusting in Him, and not from anything I can do.

At the end of the day I want to be a woman that is earnestly trying to seek the Lord. I can hope and pray against it, but I know that I will fall and sin. But my God is calling me to be a woman that is in love with him, and when I fall I know he will catch me.

God has been working on my heart. He's been showing me my worth so much lately. And I am thankful for Jen, because she has been so instrumental and encouraging in that. But he's also calling me to recognize my worth, and my potential that I rarely even begin to reach for.

I am striving to live for my God that challenges me to be the one. I can't tell you how happy I am for my friend. I know she loves God beautifully, and she has found a man that will lead her in that. She has found a man who loves the Lord, and loves her. She is striving daily to be the woman that God is calling her to be, and through that she has found a man doing the same.

Watching Jen and Dustin this past weekend I realized that yes, I want that. Whether we are always willing to admit it to ourselves or not, most girls want that. We want that coupley cuteness. But more than that, I want the confidence that they have that their relationship is centered in Christ. The confidence that Jen has that Dustin will always be a spiritual leader for her. I am confident that my friend is marrying a man that will push her to grow in Christ, that will challenge her and lead her. And I am confident that Dustin that is marrying a woman that will love him because he loves Christ. That their lives together will be lives of daily worship.