It has been one month since I last posted. Its not that I my life has been void of interesting activity, or that God hasn't been working in me. Believe me, he has. But every time I sit down at my laptop, I hover my fingers over the keys, and... nothing.
Jesus is showing me again, and again my worth, showing me that it is in him. I am being shown what it looks like to be in a relationship that is God centered. To be led by a man that speaks truth over my insecurities and loves the Lord far more than he loves me.
God is opening doors, or at least cracking them a little, for some different options for the next few years. Options to serve, options to grow.
I've spent so much time the past month or so figuring things out. I've done so much planning and re-planning. "Well if I do this at this point in my life, I can do this, or if I go here now, then I can do that other thing later." I've seen the opportunities that are out there and want all of them.
Which puts my stomach in knots. The only thought more exhausting than how can I do all of these things, is the thought that I might not do all of them. My wanderer's soul gets anxious just at the thought of being still too long.
God is pouring out so many beautiful things in my life right now, but the more he pours, the more I find myself slowly curling into a ball, trying not let any of them escape. I am living with my hands closed so tightly. I'm not breathing. I'm not resting. I'm not enjoying.
God, open my hands. Teach me to breathe. To rest.
I tell my friend Kyle that he gets stuck in his own head too much. That he over thinks things, and causes himself much unneeded grief. Which is exactly where I am. Stuck in my own head, trying to figure out for myself what the next steps need to be, when all I need to do is rest in the good things God is doing. I just need to open my hands and let God do what he wants.
A friend once beautifully explained to me what living with open hands really looks like. While it is easy to open our hands and say Yes Jesus, I'll take those blessing, thanks, I then usually find myself closing them again, waiting until the right time to open them once more. I open my hands to what I think God wants, but I don't keep them that way. Living life with them open means that they are always ready to receive what God wants to give, which sounds great. But it also means that they remain vulnerable, that God can take things from us at any time, which sounds terrifying.
I've said it before, I'm the kind to coast, do well in my walk with Jesus, then suddenly fall on my face. Hard. Living life with hands held open, doesn't offer us a lot of opportunity to catch ourselves when we fall. I have to make the statement that I trust that God will catch me, that his arms will be around me before I hit the ground.
I'm trying to trust that God knows what he's doing. I'm trying to take the good things that he's placed in my life lately and be thankful for them. Be thankful for them without worrying about how it will all possibly work out.
I need to breathe. I am blessed.
I need to stop and just be thankful.
Thankful for coffee and friends and scripture. For new friendships, and old ones. For community that grows me. For late nights at the church office, and early mornings at the farmers market. I'm thankful for God fulfilling promises, and for times that he keeps me in the dark and causes me to be patient.
I should be desperately typing away. Telling you that I am crushingly overwhelmed with just how blessed I am. But the words have not been coming.
I am in such strong, intentional, loving community. I am being poured into by wonderful women from my church; strong, beautiful women of God that are guiding me on paths that they have already walked.
I am serving with a group of interns and community group leaders that are actively pursuing God. A team that prays fervently together, for each other, for our groups, our church, our campus. I am continually encouraged by the way our leadership loves each other, and how intensely I see my friends chasing after what God has in store for this community.
I am serving with a group of interns and community group leaders that are actively pursuing God. A team that prays fervently together, for each other, for our groups, our church, our campus. I am continually encouraged by the way our leadership loves each other, and how intensely I see my friends chasing after what God has in store for this community.
Jesus is showing me again, and again my worth, showing me that it is in him. I am being shown what it looks like to be in a relationship that is God centered. To be led by a man that speaks truth over my insecurities and loves the Lord far more than he loves me.
God is opening doors, or at least cracking them a little, for some different options for the next few years. Options to serve, options to grow.
Those surface level statements don't even begin to touch on what God has been doing in my life in the past month. So why can't I say more? Why can't I write? Why can't I figure out in my head what's really going on?
I think the answer lies somewhere at the bottom of my heart, the middle of my throat, and the pit of my stomach.
When I think too much about all of the ways I am blessed I clench. I clench my fists, and I clench my heart. I can feel my heart tighten, right at the bottom, and ache. Things are going well. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am comfortable. So I am also waiting for the ball to drop. I find myself holding so tightly, to all of these good things. So tightly that I don't even get to enjoy them to thier fullest potential, becasue surely so many blessings cannot come without heartache.
I also find myself looking to the future with confusion. Which causes me to clench my fists tighter still.
Is India in my future? Is it God's plan for me to to be in India, or do I selfishly want to be back there in that beautiful country, holding my sweet kids in my arms again? Was God leading me down a path of service?
Those questions get caught in my throat. They're questions I don't fully know how to articulate. Some I don't want the answer to, because I'm scared of what it may be, and other I'd rather just figure out and answer for myself.
Those questions get caught in my throat. They're questions I don't fully know how to articulate. Some I don't want the answer to, because I'm scared of what it may be, and other I'd rather just figure out and answer for myself.
I've spent so much time the past month or so figuring things out. I've done so much planning and re-planning. "Well if I do this at this point in my life, I can do this, or if I go here now, then I can do that other thing later." I've seen the opportunities that are out there and want all of them.
Which puts my stomach in knots. The only thought more exhausting than how can I do all of these things, is the thought that I might not do all of them. My wanderer's soul gets anxious just at the thought of being still too long.
God is pouring out so many beautiful things in my life right now, but the more he pours, the more I find myself slowly curling into a ball, trying not let any of them escape. I am living with my hands closed so tightly. I'm not breathing. I'm not resting. I'm not enjoying.
God, open my hands. Teach me to breathe. To rest.
I tell my friend Kyle that he gets stuck in his own head too much. That he over thinks things, and causes himself much unneeded grief. Which is exactly where I am. Stuck in my own head, trying to figure out for myself what the next steps need to be, when all I need to do is rest in the good things God is doing. I just need to open my hands and let God do what he wants.
A friend once beautifully explained to me what living with open hands really looks like. While it is easy to open our hands and say Yes Jesus, I'll take those blessing, thanks, I then usually find myself closing them again, waiting until the right time to open them once more. I open my hands to what I think God wants, but I don't keep them that way. Living life with them open means that they are always ready to receive what God wants to give, which sounds great. But it also means that they remain vulnerable, that God can take things from us at any time, which sounds terrifying.
I've said it before, I'm the kind to coast, do well in my walk with Jesus, then suddenly fall on my face. Hard. Living life with hands held open, doesn't offer us a lot of opportunity to catch ourselves when we fall. I have to make the statement that I trust that God will catch me, that his arms will be around me before I hit the ground.
I'm trying to trust that God knows what he's doing. I'm trying to take the good things that he's placed in my life lately and be thankful for them. Be thankful for them without worrying about how it will all possibly work out.
I need to breathe. I am blessed.
I need to stop and just be thankful.
Thankful for coffee and friends and scripture. For new friendships, and old ones. For community that grows me. For late nights at the church office, and early mornings at the farmers market. I'm thankful for God fulfilling promises, and for times that he keeps me in the dark and causes me to be patient.
